This blog can now be found at 300to1derland.wordpress.com

Burn Baby Burn

Exercise is HARD work.  It's even tougher when you weigh 300+ LBS and have been used to sitting on your arse for the past almost 15 years.

I've been starting off slow, basically doing cardio walking/dancing for 35 minutes every day and getting my heart rate up to at least 75%.  I do this in front of the television, either listening to music and watching a show or watching a mix of youtube music videos.  The other day I was really going gangbusters listening to J.Lo & Pitbull.  On average I burn between 600-800 calories according to my heart rate monitor, but I know this is due to my being heavier and as I slim down the calorie burns will be harder to obtain.

I've also started logging my food through myfitnesspal.com.  Today I discovered just how many grams of sugar a medium iced cap from Tim Hortons was.  I don't have them all the time, but they are now on my "once in a while, but small portion" treat list.  47 g of sugar, yikes!  It's a good thing my blood sugars are in the normal range, but there is a history of diabetes in my family which is something I have to be aware of.

Last night I was so tired I didn't want to exercise, but I made myself do it anyway.  After, I was glad that I did because I felt accomplished and I slept like the dead too.  There might be something to this exercise thing after all.

Shake That Thang

I gained 2lbs.  I'm not going to obsess over it, because I think it's just water weight and inflammation because I'm exercising again.  So, I'm just going to keep trying to up my water intake and chug along, exercising as I have been.  It's frustrating to see the extra 2 on the scale, but I'm just starting out.  Rome wasn't built in a day and all that, right?

So I don't know about you, dear reader, but when I exercise I MUST have music to shake my booty to.  I'm always curious to find out what others have on their mp3 player to work out to, so I give you a small selection of songs (courtesy of YouTube) that are currently on my iPod shuffle First Gen (hey, it works and I like the little bugger) (and forewarning, I do listen to a lot of Pop music):

1.  The Night Is Still Young - Nicki Minaj

2.  Heartbeat Song - Kelly Clarkson

3.  Feel It All - Tokio Hotel

4.  Titanium - David Guetta f. Sia

5.  Burning Gold - Christina Perri

6.  Dance Again - Jennifer Lopez ft. Pitbull

7.  According to You - Orianthi

8.  Remix (I Like The) - New Kids On The Block

9.  Don't You Worry Child ft. John Martin - Swedish House Mafia

10.  Domino -Jessie J

Real Talk

Agoraphobia isn't necessarily about being afraid of going outside BECAUSE it's outside.  For a lot of us, and for myself in particular, the fear of being outside and having a PANIC ATTACK while outside is what my agoraphobia is about.  

I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia in my late 20's and it was something I had no clue about.  I, like many out there, had no idea what mental illness was about.  People with mental illness were like those crazy people who wore white jackets and talked to themselves loudly while sitting in the corner.  I had a very prejudiced view of mental illness.  Until I became mentally ill myself.  And then my life changed.

How it relates to my weight, well... a lot of my agoraphobia and panic has to do with my weight and how I am concerned about others and what they perceive me as a fat woman.  Let's be honest - being a fat woman or man in today's society and being outside, you might as well have a large red target on your body for the insults, jeers and stink-eye looks that are thrown your way.  

It kills your self-esteem.

It kills your will.

I'm not delusional to think that losing weight will magically cure me of my anxiety and agoraphobia.  I've had to work on that even while I'm fat.  But, I know my self-esteem and sense of self-worth will improve if I make steps to improve my own health.  

Right now I'm unhealthy.  I'm not employable.  I'm fat and a shut-in.  And this has to change.

Ode to a Cliche

I walked my first 1 kilometer yesterday.  It was easier than I thought it would be, and I worked up a good sweat.  Today I am pleasantly sore in my legs and hamstrings.

Due to my agoraphobia, I calculated how many passes back and forth in my apartment building floor's hallway it would take to qualify 1 kilometer.  The answer?  46.  So I walked back and forth, back and forth, up and down the common area hall, trying to be quiet as possible, and at a reasonable pace.  I listened to music.  I wiped sweat from my forehead and off my neck.  I did it.

Tomorrow, I will time how long it takes for me to finish.

And the next day I will do it again.

It just takes that first step.